Am I Actually That Mean?
Jesuit’s strongly believe in being able to self asses yourself in order to be the best you can be, to others and to yourself. When you are consistently negative it can truly affect you in a way you wouldn’t believe. When doing the second iExamen, I noticed this first hand. Being positive doesn’t only affect the way I feel, but in the big picture, it affects the relationships I have with others. It starts as soon as I get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, to walking to class and saying hello to others, to the nightly talks I have with my roommates. They all have made me realize and help me self asses my attitude on a day to day basis.
At first I didn’t realize how hard it would actually be to go a whole day being positive in every way I could. Yes, I am always generally nice and polite to people, but I realized that I have a problem talking badly about others when not around them. It is never about someone who is kind to me but always seems to be someone who I feel threatened by or who has done something to me that I felt was wrong. Most of the time I do realize this and try to say something positive after being negative, but it is hard. Especially when someone calls me out for only saying negative things about another person. This causes me to self assess myself from another’s point of view and I noticed that it was true, every time I was with them I would talk badly about this person. Them not being there when I do say good things about them, hurts the way they view me, always being negative.
I have always had an attitude in the tone of my voice when talking with friends. It wasn’t until this year that I have realized it. Normally, I always respond to questions in a joking or sarcastic tone that I have realized my friends may not understand. My roommate has realized it but my new roommates have trouble knowing that I’m not mad, that’s just the way I am. I have never been the type of girl with a sweet, soft-spoken personality. It wasn’t the way I was raised or taught to be.
When doing the iExamen I did my best to keep everything I said or wrote, positive. While doing so I noticed the feedback I would get for it. For example, I had informed a girl in one of my classes that a couple friends and I were going to start working on a project and asked if she would like to join. Out of my normal comfort zone I did a deed I would not normally go out of my way to do and it resulted in only positive feedback. The girl thanked me and said that she really appreciated the invite and asked if I would text her when we would start working on it. When someone normally goes out of their way to do something for me I make sure I show them my appreciation for it. If I receive a comment on a normal day, I usually respond with a comment back if I can and if not I make sure I show my gratitude for the compliment. When walking to class sometimes when I see a friend I try and put my head down if I am not in the mood. While doing the iExamen, I made sure to say hello to those I knew and what I noticed was that saying hello really actually made a difference in my day. It made me overall a happier person saying hello to people who I may no longer talk to and asking them how they were doing. By the time I got to class I was a happier person and realized saying hello may not be such a hard thing to go out of my way to do. It’s not awkward and its not like the person is going to judge me for saying hello, which is what I guess I thought would happen.
Going my whole day making sure that everything I said was kind, useful, and true was actually more difficult then I thought it would be. Thanks to Jesuit teachings of self-awareness, I was able to reevaluate the way I interact with others and change it for my own benefit. Having a consistent negative attitude towards others and yourself can really be a burden without you even realizing it. But when you think positive and your actions reflect it it not only helps you, it help’s improve the mood of those around you.